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Learning from my past

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Learning from my past

For what seems to be forever, I have been organizing my “data” hard drive. Often I stumble upon conversations from the past, posts, quotes, contact lists and other goodies. For instance, today I logged into “AIM” for the first time in ages, and I figured out the first name of the white satin panties girl! A name I had long ago buried in the depths of my head.

I also found a few names of some old friends I’ve been trying to dig up, but most of them are ghosts. Among the morsels I came across, I found a conversation that I had with a friend whom I was flirting with at the time. There are some very telling statements in there that gaveΒ me pause, but I must accept them as my truth.

These old documents and stuff have been teaching me more about myself than I can remember. It’s pretty cool, and my only regret is that I didn’t keep more. I had a journal, long lost, where I wrote about first falling in love with who would go on to become my son’s mom. I still remember staying up an entire night, looking out the window, just to see her leaving to go to the “Circle Line.” Once she left, I went to sleep.

Enough of that though, for your entertainment, here are some of the statements I made to a girl we will call J.

J: we have to get to know each other
J: so lets play a game..
J: i say one crazy random fact about myself
J: then you go
J: πŸ˜€
Arodomus: Ok..
J: i am biased and think my kitty is the best cat in the world
Arodomus: I don’t like cats. They scare me. Ever since I slept in my aunt’s place and awoke with 2 cats on top of me.. :-
J: gummie bears rock my world
Arodomus: I love pizza.
J: me too!
J: i very seldom wear black t-shirts
Arodomus: I was a virgin till 19
Arodomus: lol
J: i was too :-D. i have only been w. one guy (my ex)
J: and i think sex is overrated
J: πŸ˜›
Arodomus: Not if you spiritually connected with the partner though.
J: well we didnt
Arodomus: When you are really into the person, like really into them.. It can be great..
Arodomus: Just the same if you are not it sucks..
J: yeah…i dont plan on having sex for a long time..lol..i really do not care for it…
J: no big to me…
J: i guess it was the whole partner issue..but whatever
Arodomus: No sweat.. πŸ™‚
Arodomus: One day you will experience what it’s meant to be like. Until then it’s no issue. πŸ™‚
J: yup, one day..i am not worried…
J: πŸ˜›
Arodomus: Ok.. your turn right??
Arodomus: or mine?
J: hhmm…i said i think sex is overrated
J: so it is your turn
Arodomus: I lack self confidence and overcompensate with my physique and behavior.
J: i wish i had smaller breasts bc it is hard to find shirts
Arodomus: I wish I was a little taller… Maybe 2 or 3 inches.. Hehehe
J: i have recentlly within the past 6 mths grown in insatiable want to learn
Arodomus: I finished my BA in 3 years
J: wow!
J: my skin does not tan…i just burn then turn white again
J: i wish i could get tan, but i have learned to embrace it..
J: πŸ˜€
Arodomus: I obsess over my body..
J: i can tell
Arodomus: no matter how good i get
Arodomus: it’s never enough
Arodomus: insecurity..
J: so what makes you happy?
Arodomus: You know, I honestly have yet to find that..
J: i see…
J: so do you like your partner’s body to be “perfect” too?
J: sculpted..health nut? great curves…
Arodomus: Nope..
J: or would you date a chubbier or even thinner girl
Arodomus: either or.. i don’t seek out that which i strive for..
Arodomus: you know?
Arodomus: it’s just my own b.s issues

All quite interesting and very telling into how I viewed and felt about myself. Clearly confidence has always been an issue, not being good enough, not reaching my goals. I did manage to mention that I earned a college degree at an accelerated pace, but the focus seems to be on my short comings as opposed to my accomplishments. That’s something that I have improved on greatly since then, but there is always more room for growth.

Here’s to growth!

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